Why My Business Is Personal
This is kind of a long read, it is. However, I truly believe that what I discovered, about myself, and why I will only do Signature Portrait Experiences from now on, is so important. Not just to me and my business, but to everyone; to you.
Our internal SPARKS are the lights along the path that bring us closer to what we know, deep in our hearts, is what we should be doing, where we should be going, and who we really want to be, and we owe it ourselves to light them up!
In this post, I want to to share my own SPARKed journey that brought me here; how I finally looked for, found, and followed my own light and am committing to living my life and running my business fueling those SPARKS from now on. It has been a long and pot-holed adventure to get here, but here I am, with a LONG story (originally shared as a 3-part newsletter) so that I can share my own struggles with you, how and why I chose to make these changes, and to invite you to look for your own SPARKS, and to light up your life as much as possible!! THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE!!!
Mother’s Day a few years back, they obliged and let me capture them having fun around the ‘hood.
THIS IS WHY….
I spent most of my kids' lives as a stay-at-home "Residential CEO", volunteering for school, charity and community events, and committing to Bunco and Book Clubs that forced me to socialize as an "adult" once in a while. I unwittingly, unintentionally, and unpreparedly (is that even a word??) began turning a much-loved hobby into a business. Then, the challenges and nuances of navigating a post-divorce, single-but-still-a-parent life world came into the mix, and then pandemics and health issues...
Let's just say that my life has taken me on a ride of its own, whether I meant it to or not. I was basically going through life in a fog, meandering through my days, just doing my best to get through them with everyone in one piece. I was essentially a "yes person" for everyone around me and not really knowing where I was going, letting the whims of everyone else guide my actions. Even though I am easily comfortable and find enjoyment in just about every situation, I didn't even know how I got where I was most of the time.
Please, do not get me wrong, I wanted to raise my children without day care, was glad to help anywhere, any time that I could, and was touched and honored to accept the invitations that I was extended. I am so very grateful to have been able to do all of that and to have met the people that I have because I didn't say "no".
What I didn't see at the time, was that I didn't base too much of my own life on ME and what I wanted; not just because I didn't want to turn anyone down when they asked, I had never given any thought about what I really wanted to begin with.
To be honest, as much I loved all of that I have done over the years, and all of the people that I have in my life because of this, I had also been really lost.
When your mom’s a photographer and it’s her birthday, you gift her an updated family photo!
2024
I didn't even know where "I" was anymore, and I sure as hell didn't know where I was going. Or how.
One thing I did know, I was done following everyone else's "directions".
I found myself struggling with the "HOW?" HOW would I discover my own path? HOW was I going to know I was even on mine and not being blindly led again or heading for more fog? I needed to create my own map, with my own key, and be bold enough to cross any canyon and climb any mountain that was in my way.
I asked myself again, HOW?
I started with HOW I was FEELING right now. Then I asked myself how I wanted to feel. I needed to understand what would drive me to make the changes in the first place, and realizing how I was currently feeling (lost, listless, discouraged, disconnected from myself and everyone around me), was not how I wanted to feel at all.
I also felt hopeful, and I knew that to move forward in the direction that I wanted to be, I needed to find the things that made me feel the way I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel inspired, energized, and connected - I wanted to feel ALIVE.
I needed to find something that made me wake up, focus, and light a fire under me; rather light the fire within me. I needed to find my SPARKS, the little ignitions in my soul that would fuel me forward and light the roads and guide me to where, and who, I want to be.
Once I realized the roads ahead could be lit with my own SPARKS as guideposts, something unexpected happened.
I discovered that I had wings…
… and that I could FLY
Don't get me wrong, NONE of this "flying" happened over night. It had been a long, slow, sobering journey, before I remembered those wings. I had taken many steps forward, tripped over my own feet, and fallen into unknown lands. But those wings were there, waiting for me to use them, to give me a view of what lay ahead. So, I fluffed them up, preened them a little, and took the first step off the cliff that had been hidden by that fog.
Once I decided to take that first step and felt the freedom that it brought me, I knew I didn't want to waste time, but I also didn't want to just soar past anything either.
I wanted to find ALL the things that would bring life into my life. I didn't want to settle and I didn't want to be arrogant either. I just wanted to feel. So, I began searching for those SPARKS of mine that were hiding.
__________________________________
One SPARK that was easy to recognize and always been a constant, in both my personal and my professional life, is photography.
It has always been something that lights me up because it connects me to the people I care about and the moments we have shared. It captures and preserves our life stories, and reminds me of the laughter, the love, and even the pain, because I would have lost it all otherwise, in that fog that I was constantly engulfed in.
I use photography to capture moments with the people that mean the most to me, in all of the mundane and all of the exciting places that we may be. I use it to chronicle our daily life and our adventures, our laughter, our love, our comfort and our struggle, our changes, our constants, our accomplishments and even our blunders.
I use photography to capture the colors of sunsets and the personalities of trees. I use it to record unique and indescribable beauty in cultures and communities as I travel, and the surrounding vistas, landscapes, and skylines that take my breath away.
And I use photography for you, and your families, your businesses and your clients. I use it as a way to capture your youness when you are SEEN through my lens. I watch you come alive when I ask about your favorite things, hobbies you adore, the "What happens in Vegas" stories that make you laugh, the shy pride you have about a special skill you have, and all the ways your business reflects who you are.
I use photography to CAPTURE THE LIGHT
I capture the light that is emitted from the subjects and places that I photograph and watch in wonder as it spreads to shine on everything and everyone in its vicinity.
All of these things that I photograph SPARK something within me.
They make me FEEL something.
They give me the gift of bringing light to all of the other SPARKS that are mine.
THAT is why PHOTOGRAPHY IS MY SPARKS OF ALL SPARKS.
So, I really began to pay attention to my photos; what I capture in my personal life just as much as what I capture in my work.
I began to really FEEL the emotions they awakened in me, and what they meant about the life I wanted from this point forward. I began to slowly lift that fog surrounding me and tried to make sense of all the roads that lay ahead.
Still, something was keeping me from taking those next steps and opening those wings as wide as they could go.
As I scoured through those photos again, searching for more direction, I realized I was missing. There were definitely pictures of me, but they were merely pictures; snapshots. They were not ME, though. Those photos, those "pictures" didn't evoke emotion or connection TO ME. I discovered that I was not a SPARK in my own life.
My photos are filled with things I love, and all ignite a "little something" inside me, but I am only in photos when I want to share how glad I am to be with someone, or to show that I was actually "there". Some are because I was having a good (aka rare) hair day. Others are because they were simply required for one purpose or another.
I found that the extreme majority were lacking me, being ME; missing WHO I AM.
I am easily identified as "so-and-so's mom", or "concert-goer #7, 831 having fun with concert-goer friends 7832-7844", or "that photographer they had".
I love, LOVE being all of those personas of mine, but I didn't see and feel ME in them.
I began to ask myself, "If I don't see or feel like "me" in my own photos, what am I missing? HOw do I find me again? and it hit me...
I was missing my own light.
But I was determined to find it.
__________________________
To be able to SEE, we need LIGHT. I knew this. I mean come ON, the definition of photography is literally "to draw with light". The SPARK within me that I was looking to for guidance, was all about light.
I thought more and more about my business and what I had been developing there. I had slowly been creating an Experience over the last several years, and knew that it was time that I allowed myself to participate in that same Experience, that I had been envisioning and designing for you.
I had been working on this Portrait Experience because it was easy to see that women, men, and couples that had spent a good number of years taking care of families, careers, and other "stuff", didn't even WANT their pictures taken, and when they "had to" they didn't enjoy the process or their pictures.
It didn't take too long for me to realize that most people didn't even recognize themselves anymore, let alone actually like what they saw. They only saw the flaws, the fatigue, the awkwardness; they felt a disconnect between what they saw, how they felt & who they really are. I knew they were not able to see, or feel, THEIR LIGHT.
Their SPARKS were missing.
Who wants to have pictures of strangers where they know they should see themselves? Who wants to feel like those faces and bodies represent something they aren't loving about themselves? Nobody.
I wanted to change that. I wanted you to see PORTRAITS of yourselves, and RECOGNIZE yourselves because you can FEEL your own light, your SPARKS, shining through. I wanted to give much more to you than just some random "pictures" that just proved you were "there".
The joy, confidence, freedom, and LIGHTNESS, you get from honoring your SPARKS, not only changes the way you feel, but also how you look. You begin to look like yourself, because your light is visible, and it sheds appreciation, respect and even love, on all the parts of you that you can now truly see. A photo is no longer just a picture, it's a portrait. It honors all you have been, all that you have loved and lost, the life that you have lived, and it shows all that you are going to be, because you now recognize your own light and you feel it guiding you, along the path that is yours.
In evaluating the WHY and HOW I had been creating this entire Experience for my clients, and knowing I was looking for those elusive SPARKS for myself, I recognized that same disconnect for me, that I saw in others. I realized that I designed this Portrait Experience journey for all of you, but also for myself, yet I never actually participated in it on my own.
It was a face palm moment. I couldn't believe that something I worked so hard on, with such love in my heart, and believed in so much, was something I never once thought of giving myself.
At this point I knew that my light was barely an ember and I needed to do something about it, NOW. I was about to turn 50. I had spent those 50 years with my eyes trained on appreciating everyone else's SPARKS and encouraging them to pay attention to their heart's desires.
I believed in the value and the importance of having a full cup so that it can run over and bless others. I know that you need to put on your own oxygen mask before you can help anyone else. I knew all this; but I didn't live it.
I was feeling the pressure, or the wisdom, and/or the regret, of these 50 years and I cried. Life is so short, so precious, and such a waste when we don't allow ourselves the magic of its beauty that was meant FOR US. All of the people we choose to surround ourselves with, the people we bring into this world and have responsibilities to take care of, and the things we do in life, all matter. But, so do we. So do I.
Approaching 50 gave me the drive to make my life a priority, to give my needs and my wants the 1st oxygen mask, and to fill my own bucket up - and to protect it from anything that would cause leaks.
I was doing it for me, absolutely. I was also doing it for all the people I have witnessed handing out the masks and buckets to everyone but themselves. I was especially doing it for my children; for my daughter obviously, but also for my two sons. I didn't ever want them to believe that once they become "adults", that the wild dreams of "you can be anything you want to be" and the adamant proclamations of "it's awesome to be exactly who YOU ARE, and never let anyone take that away from you" don't apply to you anymore. I want them to understand that for themselves, their partners in life, and for their children, if they choose to have them. Life is too short and we don't know how long we have here on Earth. What a shame it is to push those SPARKS aside, to ignore them, and forget them, only to never have lived with them.
Where and when did we lose these all important rights to living our own lives? Where and when did I lose them???
50 was coming fast, and I was on a mission: I was NOT letting the next 50 (or even the next 5) swallow me in a fog or wrap me up in anything except SPARKS and wildfire. I remembered all that work I put into creating an Experience for clients, to guide them towards their light, and I decided to put it to the test for myself.
I made the decision to be my own subject, to go through the experience that I designed and you know what happened?
I discovered that my wings were those of a Phoenix - and they were ablaze with the power of my own sparks!
I made THE PROMISE to myself...
I went through the experience . I answered the questions, I did the Activities, and I FELT myself waking up.
I prepared for my session, created the sets and got my gear ready. I chose my wardrobe.
I felt silly trying to pose while also attempting to get the technicalities right with the lighting & the camera.
Then some magic happened. I used the Experience Guide to remind me of what I discovered about myself. I let myself FEEL what had SPARKED me while going through the process. I played my favorite music. I danced.
I FELT .
I felt energized, I felt clarity, I felt free. I felt that who I was, was being released.
I FELT ALIVE….
….and I flew higher than I ever thought I could go.
The more I remembered who I am going through this Experience, the more I FELT, and more & more "me" came out. I remembered all I had been through, and I FELT STRONG. I remembered that this body has been stretched for the sake of my 3 babies, been squished under the weight of their snuggles, been filled with good food and beverages while surrounded by family & friends, and I FELT LOVE & RESPECT for it. I remembered that I find the positive in any situation and I FELT CONFIDENT. I remembered that I am light-hearted & can have fun wherever I go and I FELT PLAYFUL. I remembered that I am a woman and I am capable of taking care of myself, my children, my home, my friends, and my community, all at once, and I FELT FEMININE and BADASS. I remembered that I am connected to the energies of my surroundings and I FELT SENSUAL. I remembered WHO I AM and I FELT ALIVE.
___________________
I found that I looked different to myself, all because I felt different about myself.
Now, when I'm not "feeling it", I use those portraits to remind me WHO I AM; and it changes everything.
They are my visual reminders, my personal cheerleaders that have the all-important job of encouraging me when I doubt myself and proving to me that I am ALREADY someone to be proud of. They give me that oxygen and refill my bucket when I'm feeling tired, or discouraged, or empty. They show me, over and over, that I can look to myself for the answers,
I can count on ME being there for me.
All I need to do is look and remember and FEEL it.
This completely changed my life in so many ways.
I have always been fiercely independent. Some may argue that I'm stubbornly so; and this whole experience has taught me that those observations are true in many cases. I apologize to everyone that has tried to convince me of this over the last few years - you were right!
What I have discovered, in addition to this, is that there are a lot of things about myself that I didn't recognize. Being independent was a constant most of my life - especially as an adult, more so as a mom. When I was married, my husband travelled each week for work and spent the majority of his weekends "unwinding", which typically meant he didn't want or need to be bothered by any other responsibilities. I enabled that pretty easily, as I was more than able to do it all on my own. I was used to it.
Then, once divorced, this was an obvious necessity. That's ok, though, it was "easy", when a lot of other things were not. What I had not noticed though, was that all of this "independence" caused a lot of other things to be pushed aside that were important - to me and who I was and who I wanted to be. Taking care of EVERYTHING, for so many years, over half of my life at this point, was pushing out the time, energy, and attention for things that SPARKED me.
I also know that it made me who I am today; resilient, patient, capable, understanding, and even wise; among other things. Actually, now as I write this out, I really mean, RIGHT NOW, it occurs to me that I was ALREADY resilient, patient, capable...but I hadn't seen that, because it was all wrapped up underneath the weight of everything I was trying to do each day. I was able to be independent BECAUSE I was those things, and more.
This doesn't make up for all the years that I didn't feel those things. What I felt all those years was tired, unappreciated, unseen, undesirable, scattered, chaotic, unorganized....and a lot of other unflattering things.
____________________
So I am thankful that I finally went through this Experience for myself, and found that I may very well have been all of those negative things, in my observations and in a lot of my actions, but they were not WHO I WAS; they were HOW I WAS FEELING at the time.
I am thankful that this Experience has taught me that who I am, in my eyes, is all about how I FEEL.
It has also taught me that HOW I FEEL has everything to do with what it is within me that brings those SPARKS to life, whatever my SPARKS are.
This Experience taught me to rediscover them & to bring time, energy, & attention to them, and give them the oxygen that they need. It's not neglecting anyone or anything else in my life that is important, it's just making sure that I don't pass out before I'm able to take care of those other people/things that need me too.
This Experience also helped me recognize that when others showed me how they feel about me, I could believe them. When someone tells me that I am strong, or appreciated, or even beautiful, I FEEL that they mean every word that they say. This wasn't something I was expecting when I designed this Experience, but I am so thankful for the extra bonus of being able to trust others more, because I trust myself. What a gift.
